Strength

We may think we’re strong, but it’s only when our strength is challenged are we able to get a glimpse at what we’re really capable of. I’m in a situation that is testing the years of work I’ve done on myself. The therapy sessions, the self-improvement books, the introspection, it’s all come down to this. And when I look at myself, the situation and how I’m  handling it, I’m actually quite proud. It turns out I’m stronger than I ever thought possible. And in finding my own strength, for me, I’ve been able to make a huge difference in his life. 

If this had occurred 10 years ago the results would have been very different. I never would have made it to this point. I would have been wrecked inside. But instead I’m able to keep a level head, I’m able to step back and remember to focus on taking care of ME and I’m able to be there for him without feeding on the hatred brought on by the situation. Not to say I don’t have down days or that it doesn’t get rough. It does. But it’s bearable and I’m pretty amazed at just how well I’m handling it. I really do believe that part of me that was there when I was a little girl, that angry, needing- to- control- everything aspect of me is gone. Even when I see someone who is clearly not in her right mind, who has so many unresolved issues of her own that she tries to make life miserable for everyone around her, who causes so much anger and pain in my loved one, I’m able to see her for who she is and not feel that hatred towards her. Pity? Yes. Hatred? No. I’m empowered to the point that no matter what, she can’t arouse those awful negative feelings in me. If she could, I would have been gone a long time ago. 

I’ve always believed we’re where we need to be. It’s easy to see why I’m here, at this moment.

I have this friend…

And this is what he said to me. “You have such a beautiful smile, it broadcasts who you are. You can light up the whole city with that smile. Let that guide you and keep lighting up every room that you’re in. Good things grow in the light!!”. Wow. This is how he sees me? This is what I represent to him? I don’t know if it’s the truth, but it’s his truth.

We were friends who lost touch for about 15 years, but were recently reconnected at what seems to be just the right time. We’ve been able to support each other as if the 3000 miles between us don’t exist. Funny, sometimes when you least expect it, the Universe listens and gives you just what you need.

The adult jig

I arrived at work today singing a Killers song. I work on the second floor of the building, and as I was walking up the stairs I found myself hopping. Instead of just my usual walk, I felt a spring in my step and I hopped up the stairs. I was thankful there were no witnesses to the ridiculous display of happiness from this 35 year old. I feel happy and free today. Maybe it’s because I enjoyed a nice relaxing cup of coffee and conversation with Mario this morning instead of rushing off to work. I don’t really know the reason, and I don’t really care. But I’ve decided any time a grown woman is found hopping up a flight of stairs, it has to be a good sign of the day to come.

Depleted

I’m so tired. I’m tired from the drama. I’m tired from watching the ugliness and the hate between them. I’m tired from listening to the resentment and anger between them. I’m tired from always trying to stay positive. I’m tired from always being there when he needs me. I’m tired from always trying to put a smile on my face. I’m tired from always being supportive and encouraging. I’m tired from watching the man I love struggle on a daily basis with a situation he can’t control. I’m tired from this life that is not mine but that I live.

Worst book club leader EVER? Me.

I belong to this book club. Except I don’t really read the books anymore. I’m actually the organizer/leader of it, as sad as that is.  My downfall started innocently enough with me just not being able to quite finish one of the books. But that’s ok, I’ve been busy and it happens to everyone. Hmm…then I didn’t finish the book after that, or the next 5. Maybe it has something to do with me being more interested in reading mystery thriller gory books than “book club” books. But I’m now at the point where I don’t really even attempt to find the book. I may write down the name, or not, but it leaves my brain once I hit the door.  I’m admitting here and now that yes, the only reason I continue to show up to the meetings is for the social aspect. I don’t care that I have no idea what the group is talking about when they reference the book. It’s an excuse for me to meet up with some great girls and chit chat for an hour once a month.  Below is a list of the books that I didn’t finish. I’m sure they were good books. After all, you don’t make it on the Best Seller list or win the Pulitzer by sucking. Check em out. Maybe you’ll have better luck with them than I did. 

1. The bitch in the house
2. Three cups of tea
3. The brief wondrous life of Oscar Wao
4. The road
5. Kite runner- didn’t even start it

Relationship tips?

I see advertisements on so many websites for “relationship tips”. Want a tip? Fix yourself. Work through YOUR issues. Stop blaming others for your miserableness and take responsibility for yourself. If you don’t, the same problems will keep occurring with every relationship you have. There, now I’m just one more website with a relationship tip. Awesome.

Wedding Goggles

So it turns out I’m a horrible bridesmaid. Who knew? I now warn all my friends NOT to ask me to be in their weddings.

It started when I was asked to be a bridesmaid by my friend of 5 years. By this time I was already living in California and she was back in Florida. The bridesmaides were to be me, 2 of her best friends that she’s known since grade school (one of whom I will refer to as the Bridesmaid-from-Hell), and another close friend of ours. Of course I say “yes” to this request. After all, she’s my friend and why wouldn’t I want to be in her wedding? Oh, let me count the reasons…

I thought being a bridesmaid meant helping with the planning of the Bridal shower and Bachelorette party, being there for her emotionally and helping her on the day of the wedding. Shows how much I know. The other bridesmaides, mainly her 2 best friends, figured out that each bridesmaid will need to give about $125 for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. And the fun begins. I immediately voice my concern.  We’ll call me the squeaky-wheel bridesmaid. $125  seems a bit steep to me. None of us are rolling in the dough and what the hell could possibly cost that much? My friend is basically a hippy. Super-chill, sweet, laid-back girl with inexpensive taste. Apparently all that changed once she put on the wedding goggles.

So I voiced my concern about the $125, but still agreed to it. In my mind I’m thinking, so I’m paying for two bridal showers that I won’t even get to attend.  Ok…what choice do I have? Next up, hair. I get an email from the bride talking about hair do’s and how she’d like us all to wear our hair up. Really? Have you seen my hair? It’s super short. There’s no wearing it up. So the bridesmaid from hell emails me making the suggestion that I get hair extensions. Wtf??  I believe the quote was “it could be fun!”. Really? Fun? For who? Not for me and not for my wallet.   There’s no way in hell I’m getting extensions. The bride then tells me  that’s it’s cool, my hair will be fine the way it is. Whew! I then get another email from the bridesmaid from hell, saying that the bride requests us get some sort of treatment at the spa with her the day before the wedding. Uh…again, with what cash?? I simply say that I can’t afford it. I’d love to go to the spa with her and spend time with her, but that’s about all I can offer. I then get a response saying that this is what the bride expects of us.  Again, being squeaky as I am, I say I can’t do it. I’m not going to be bullied into going broke. The pressure the bridesmaid from hell is putting on me is getting a little out of hand.

Next up, the wedding dress. Keep in mind that I’m 5′0″ weighing 92 lbs. I am told that I’ll be ordered a size 4 dress. Fine,  I’ll get it altered as usual. But wait, good news! They can actually order me a Junior size and it will fit better. Awesome!  Little did I know they were sending me a Junior size 16!! Yes folks, that’s right, a size 16! I looked like a 5 year old playing dress up. When I took it to get altered the lady’s jaw about dropped. I believe her exact words were ” is that YOU’RE dress??”.  I was told it would be easier to make a new dress than to alter it. Turns out it would cost me about as much as I paid for the dress to get it fixed. By now this bridesmaid gig is really starting to stress me out. So I email the bride about the dress and I’m told to “lighten up, it’s just a dress, what’s the big deal?”. She does, however, offer to pay for half of the cost of the alterations. I accept.

Next up, travel. I find out that my original plan to have my sister give me a “buddy pass” plane ticket for the wedding has fallen through, so now I need to buy a ticket. Another $300 gone. Also, at this time I have just started a new job. I find out that I can’t take the original 3 days I planned to take off for the wedding, I can only take 2. At the same time, the bride decides she wants to have the Bachelorette party a day earlier than planned, which happens to be the day BEFORE I come in. Awesome, now I’m expected to pay for a Bridal shower AND a Bachelorette party that I won’t be able to attend. Sweet.

The frustration I feel has almost reached it’s peak. BIG squeak now. I email the girls saying that after $130 for the dress, $65 for the alteration (which I didn’t do yet), $300 for the plane ticket, cost of the shoes that have yet to be purchased, cost of the brides gift that have yet to be purchased, and the 2 days of UNPAID time off from my job, I can no longer give my $125. I feel the whole thing has gotten to be ridiculous and as much as I wish I had the cash, I don’t.  I was really expecting to get a response along the lines of  “that’s ok, we understand, you flying across the country to be here is gift enough!”. Silly me. What was I thinking? Because what I got was more of  “we’ve all spent over $600 on the wedding so far without complaint. I have no sympathy for you! Suck it up”.  The bridesmaid from hell then continues to tell me how she’s actually filing bankrupty next month, so if she can do it I can do it. Um…maybe I have a problem with all of this because I don’t WANT to end up filing bankruptcy next month! Maybe I’m not the only one who should be saying NO to this ridiculousness. I didn’t say any of that of course. I didn’t say anything. Her email didn’t deserve a response. But it was at that point that I decided I had to bow out. I’ve felt bullied this entire time to give what I didn’t have to give and I was through.

Now on to emailing the bride. Ugh…I apologized and told her that I hope she can forgive me some day.  I knew this was the end of our friendship although I wished it wasn’t. As expected, she was very hurt and our friendship was over. She said she was sorry that all I saw was dollar signs. And she admitted that she couldn’t see my point of view at all. After all, how could she with those damn Wedding Goggles on?

I can only hope that one day when  she takes off the wedding goggles and settles back into her normal routine she’ll understand where I was coming from. That I’m not the horrible friend I appear to be, just a girl on a budget.